


Soliloquy

by credentiast



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:21:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27596771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/credentiast/pseuds/credentiast
Summary: It's too late. Dean confesses anyway.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 82





	Soliloquy

“Cas, you, uh, you got your ears on? Listen, I don’t know. I don’t know if you can hear me, man. I just really need to… Sammy, he said it might be helpful if I… if I said some things. To you. So, uh, here goes.”

Dean looks up at the ceiling, at the peeling wallpaper curling inward at each edge.

“What you said. Before you… before The Empty… before you went. That kinda stuff. Look, I know this sounds stupid, okay? I just. That kinda stuff is really hard for me to hear, man. I just can’t, I don’t know, I just can’t… reconcile that kinda stuff. In my brain. In my heart, I guess. It just doesn’t feel like I deserve it, you know? That I deserve someone to, uh, feel that way about me. _That_ way. Especially not, _you_ , you know? You’re just… I mean Cas, you’re everything. You have to know that, right? Next to Sammy, you’re the only person that’s ever… that I’ve ever truly _needed_. You’ve always been there. And that kinda scares me, you know? Because you’re this, this _angel,_ and I’m just this… guy. You’re this, this _force,_ man. And sometimes I look at you, and it’s like you’re looking _into_ me. And, I don’t know, maybe that sounds stupid. But I, uh, I get this impression, sometimes, that you know me better than. Well. Better than _I_ know me. And that scares me. Because there are parts of me, Cas, there are parts of me I don’t want you to see.”

Dean’s voice breaks on the last few words. He takes a deep breath, balling shaking hands into fists.

“But I would do anything for you, Cas. _Anything_. Anything you needed. Anything you wanted. And it’s, it’s cutting me up inside, man, to think that you didn’t. That you didn’t _know_.”

Dean pauses. His eyelids slide closed against the tears cutting hot lines down his cheeks.

“Anything you want from me, Cas. Anything. Just say the word. It’s yours. I guess I’d just come to realise that. Well. That, for me, it’s always been you, man. It’s always been you, Cas. Castiel. And I just. God, I wish you’d heard me say that. I’m so sorry Cas. I’m so… I’m so sorry. You’ve changed me too. You made me into a better man, a better man I ever thought I could be. You’ve always pulled me back from the brink. You’re my family, man. You’re… more than that. You just, you have to _know,_ that of _course…_ of course I do, Cas. I love you too. I _love_ you. More than… I’ve ever. Anyone, Cas. More than _anyone_. I love you so much, it _scares_ me, man. I can’t. I can’t do _anything_ without you here. Please, man, I’m so sorry I didn’t say it. I just. I was so _scared_. But I’m saying it now, Cas. You have to come back, man, please. You have to come back so you can hear it. Please, Cas, just tell me how to get you back… please. Cas. I love you. I _love_ you.”

He’s crying freely now. Cold sweat sticking sickeningly to his skin, Dean opens his eyes to an empty room.

**Author's Note:**

> Dean Winchester possessed me and made me write this ficlet. Come chat to me on tumblr! credentiast.tumblr.com


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